Dear Martina
I’m having sex with an ex. My ex and I split up over a month ago. We didn’t see each other for weeks but he came round to pick up his stuff and we ended up in bed. I don’t want him to move back in, as apart from the intial missing him I really like my space. I think he’s enjoying the freedom too.
He has started staying over again though and things are going great. My friends tell me to back off that it’ll only end in tears but I’m having fun. I don’t know why they’re so against it.
Dear Exy and you know it!
Ok, been here, done this. A LOT. It’s so easy to go back to someone you’re familiar with in bed rather than start all over again with someone new.
Now the normal advice gurus will tell you to run away fast, they’ll tell you he’s using you and you’re letting yourself be a doormat. Ignore them.
At the minute you’re getting what you want, you get to cuddle down with someone you care about, you’re probably having great sex (just like when you first got together) and you will be having those butterflies all over again.
Who knows where it might lead? You might find that you enjoy it so much it brings you back together permanently. You might find as he spends more time staying over the old issues arise at which point you can say goodbye once again.
There’s a reason we do this a lot. It’s because no matter how it ended it’s still hard letting go. Once all the commitment and issues are removed we are reminded why we fell for this person in the first place. We also get the best of them again and we try it out to make sure we’ve made the right decision.
You could also be hanging on because you don’t want anyone else to benefit from this fault free lover, but remember, whatever turned you off the first time, will resurface in his next relationship no matter how good he is in the first few weeks.
Personally I’d go with the flow, there’s no reason why you have to rip off the plaster quickly with relationships, and some people do this for years when reconstructing a marriage.
It may be an idea to lay boundaries though, what happens if you meet someone else, or he does? Can you sleep with other people? All these nights staying over are great but who’s funding them?
You’re an adult you know your feelings are at stake, (and his) so as long as you know the consequences there’s no reason why you can’t have the best of both worlds.
Insider info: I dumped my boyfriend when I realised he wanted to see me regularly. I didn’t want commitment. I told him so. He suggested we become f*** buddies. I agreed. Now my friends all told me not to, they strongly advised against it, saying that I wasn’t being fair as he obviously had feelings that ran deeper than sex.
I was in my element; sex with no strings was perfect for me. HOWEVER, as time went on and we met for sex more, I found myself loving his company. I wanted to see more of him out of bed and told him so. I invited him for a full weekend, kids and all which he found very bizarre considering I’d kept him a safe distance away.
Out of bed, with normal daily life weaved in I discovered he was my kind of guy; we’ve now been married 4 years and have three children.
It’s not always the man that’s scared to commit!