Where Were We?

Please go back and read Kratom Ruined My Life in the UK Part 1 so you know where we’re at. So I’d found Facebook groups who sold Kratom under the guise of speciality tea. On a side note, they’re now selling Tin and I have no idea what this is, would someone please enlighten me in the comments?

Back to the Kratom. I was happy, I was energetic, I was smug. I’d found my poison, the white strains, it gave me everything I needed and I didn’t have to worry about withdrawals, as this was completely natural.

I mentioned it on my Facebook NA groups and received congratulations from everyone. They were so pleased I’d managed to make the switch from prescription painkillers to this. As soon as I started feeling a little dip, I’d mix a few spoonfuls in water, down it, and all was right with the world again.

Until it wasn’t.

It’s a Wonderful, Wonderful Life on Kratom

I’d found this white strain that I loved. I’ve never been a weed smoker, unless I really needed sleep. I’ve always gravitated to the drugs that gave me clarity, focus and energy. I used to be a big Red Bull drinker too. This is how I knew I had ADHD also, as most people feel sedated on opiates whereas for me, it was the opposite. A sure sign.

My husband and I reconnected, had a filthy weekend away, I forgave him everything and he approved of the Kratom. Possibly because my sex drive was back! He even took it himself for motivation for working out or cleaning the house. He never took as much as I did though. For some reason I’ve never been able to do anything in moderation. Food, shopping, drugs, alcohol. I can’t just have one, can’t just buy one thing. I get a little taste, a rush of endorphins and want to multiply it by a thousand. When I drank I used to drink until I couldn’t walk. I didn’t understand these people who could have one gin and tonic and be done. That’s why, today, I still don’t drink. Too many embarrassing nights to look back on. My goodness.

To confuse matters, my husband and I’s reconnection didn’t last too long. The old resentments crept up again. We had real problems communicating. He hated arguing so would walk away the instant our disagreements became heated and then we’d avoid the subject forever. We never talked through any grievances. Ever. That left a lot of water under the bridge and a lot of little niggles that would raise their ugly heads at the most random times.

To cut a long story short, as this is about Kratom, not divorce, I left. I found a house, told my husband I wanted a trial separation, took the kids and moved out. I felt like I could handle anything on the Kratom. I had the energy of ten men. Then my dealer got arrested. My supply dried up.

How Kratom Cost Me Thousands

I found a site online selling it and ordered in bulk. It wasn’t the same. It was grainy, sand like. It didn’t have the same effect although it did keep withdrawals at bay. I found other suppliers but nothing hit like the first did. I tried different strains. Green for clarity, red for relaxation, white for energy. I tried mixing them all, tried them alone, nothing gave the same effect as the first. In addition to this, there were days when the strain I chose would not work at all. On these days I had no energy, I couldn’t get out of bed, just wiping a counter top seemed like too much effort. Let alone running businesses, taking care of 3 children, 52 animals and more.

I didn’t know if it was me or the Kratom. Had I built a tolerance? Was I being sold fake Kratom? What was going on? I’d have the odd day when I felt good but they were quite rare. By now, I wouldn’t leave the house without a flask of the stuff. I needed to sip it during the day on top of downing half pints. Being without it was too hard to imagine and I’d not even experienced withdrawals yet.

The Dealer Returns

My dealer returned and I was over the moon. At that point if you’d have offered me a huge lottery win or a kilo of Kratom from my favourite dealer I would have chosen the latter. I was so excited. I was one of the first to put in an offer. He’d actually been arrested on the Scottish coast waiting for a shipment of Kratom. The police in Scotland seem to know much more about this leaf than the English do and they don’t approve of people selling it, not one bit. It’s banned in the UK. Selling is banned. Using it, buying it, not so much. I’ll have a little look to see if the rules have changed, but at the time I didn’t worry about the police. Except for them arresting my favourite person in the entire world.

My order came, I took it, it didn’t feel the same. It still felt better than all the others though so I decided it would do.

I Start to Notice Side Effects

The months slip by as I live some kind of half life, sometimes energetic, sometimes lethargic, sometimes a bitch, sometimes in love with everyone. It was hell for those around me. I went away for the weekend with my best friend and our kids to a majestic Manor House in Cornwall but I forgot my favourite strain. I thought I’d be fine but it was like having PMT times a thousand for the entire weekend. I even considered driving the few hundred miles back to pick it up.

That wasn’t the only side effect. I couldn’t work properly. I needed regular naps in between bursts of energy. I’d sit down at my PC to write and fall asleep on my hand. If I ate, I developed narcolepsy. That’s not a joke. I’d fall asleep almost instantly. It made driving a real hazard, for me, and everyone else on the road, so I made sure I left that alone.

I was also feeling sick, all of the time. Constant nausea. Then my hair started falling out. It’s not recovered properly since. I used to have the thickest hair, hairdressers would comment on it all of the time, now it’s thin, needs a triple loop of a bobble and hangs limply, there is no more bounce. I lost a lot of hair.

My bowels also played up, they thought I was eating cement. I won’t go into details. Message me if you’d like to know more.

I spent my weeks oscillating between hyperactivity and withdrawal. I had a really good client at the time and they started to notice the change in me too. I needed to wean off this wonder drug, after all, that was the aim in the first place. It wasn’t meant to be a permanent fixture in my life, just a tool to come off the harder stuff.

During all this I’d gone to the county where my mum and mother in law lived. My mum was a closet alcoholic, so she didn’t really notice much but when I told her about the Kratom she said she preferred me on opiates. She advised me to knock it on the head. Meeting up with my Mother in Law I cut the meeting short as I’d left my Kratom at my mums and needed to get to it fast. While I was away my ex husband didn’t have daily access to the drug. I had other house sitters. Therefore he had to go through withdrawals and told me he hated every second. Restless legs, nausea, headaches. He was only taking one cup once a day. I was on it constantly but I somehow told myself that my withdrawals would be the same. By the time we returned, a week later, he was fine but still reached for a cup when I had one. It had to stop.

Giving Up the Kratom

I tried giving up a couple of times but I’d bought so much that I had little stashes everywhere. I posted full kilos to the friend who sent me the first dose (she was over the moon) but kept finding odd bags hidden in weird places. A habit I’d formed in case anyone else would take control like last time. When I found one I didn’t expect I’d be right back at square one until I gathered every single bag, including handbags where it had spilt in the bottom, and burned it all. I stood back and watched the Kratom cloud form.

The house was clean, of everything. My ex husband, despite being angry with me over a custody battle, came to look after the kids. I wanted to be prepared in case the withdrawals were bad and they wouldn’t go and stay at his.

The Kratom Withdrawals

Just looking back on this I feel instantly sick. This is most definitely up there in the Top Ten Worst Times of My Life. The withdrawals were brutal. Absolutely brutal.

I sat on a cuddle sofa, alone, for three days rocking back and forth, unable to form any type of sentence as I watched the entire Marvel catalogue in order. My body ached from head to toe, I had the symptoms of food poisoning, my head pounded, electric shocks would run through my entire body. I felt like the world was about to end and it was all my fault. The guilt, the tears, the wasted years. My legs would twitch all of the time and the cramps would keep me awake. I didn’t sleep a wink for the entire three days.

Then I did something stupid. The person who’d sent me the first Kratom told me she had buprenonorphine to help with the withdrawals. I had no idea what it was but I was desperate. In this time I’d dictated emails and phonically to my husband, asking him to beg my GP, the local drug and alcohol service, anyone to help. The answer was the same, “She’s done the hard part so there’s no point.” Not one medical professional, in the doctor’s surgery or in the addiction centres had heard of Kratom. Not one.

While withdrawing I was also doomscrolling, on social media, talking to people in the NA groups there for support. It didn’t go well. They were many steps behind me, thinking this was some wonder drug like Ozempic. No side effects, just pure natural goodness that is helping a lot of addicts. Many became angry that I was talking about withdrawals. I was called a liar. I was called weak. With a little investigation I discovered that not one person had actually tried coming off, yet they didn’t want to hear the negatives. One person found me online, discovered I’d been a journalist, told everyone I wasn’t a real addict I was just a member to steal their stories. She’d seen my article on opiate addiction (which mentions no one’s story but my own) and told everyone about my supposed agenda. I was swiftly banned from every single NA group online. It seemed like there was no hope.

I took the bupe. Woke up two days later, feeling fine. It was obvious I’d taken too much but any symptoms of withdrawal were gone. Then they came back but that’s when someone up there smiled at me and I got a phone call.

An Angel from A Drug ( Clinic )

A doctor, who we will call Cat, called me. She’d heard of my plight and her partner was doing a medical study on Kratom. She wanted to help. She was the prescriber at Together Drug and Alcohol Services and she wanted to see me the next day.

She saved me from going backwards, put me on a small dose of Subutex (that didn’t really work) before increasing to the maximum dose. As it was lockdown I didn’t have the humiliation of daily pickups but my addict brain was still the same. I still wanted to overuse. I still had some kind of death wish. I didn’t care about the effects on my body and it was a tricky start. If I get enough interest I’ll happily share my Subutex journey.

Today, I’m on Buvidel, another journey I feel I should share. I was one of only ten people to be chosen for the trial of it and it has saved my life. In a few weeks I have my last ever injection and then I will be clean of all substances. I’ve weaned down over a period of two years.

I’m absolutely petrified to be completely clean, I’ve avoided life for so long. Like many addicts, I began using as a way to numb all the pain from abuse, from grief, from memories. I’m not too sure how I’ll cope once I’m clean as it’s been over 14 years now. We will see. I’m doing it for me but also for the children, they deserve it. I used to think the prescription painkillers made me a better mum, friend, worker. I could do everything, and still have energy to spare. Now I realise I missed so much with my head in the clouds while my family tried to pull me down. They didn’t want me working 20 hour days so I could afford to take them on holidays, buy the latest Lego set, they wanted their mum to be there, not hyper, not withdrawing, just a normal human being with real human feelings.

I keep telling them, as my last drug day looms, careful what you wish for!

Disclaimer: I’m no expert on Kratom, although I have contributed to many medical studies on it now. This is my own experience. I did wonder, at times, if my Kratom was laced with something quite a bit stronger, crack perhaps. The withdrawals were the worst I’ve ever experienced and it’s the memory of those that will stop me from ever going back.

If you look at the molecular makeup of Kratom you’ll see it’s not dissimilar to heroin. It fact it’s like a paternal twin. AS I mentioned in the Ozempic article, we just need to know more, much more, about these drugs entering the streets and pharmacies before we label them wonder drugs and market them to vulnerable people, those who are obese and addicts. That’s my opinion. The fact it’s been sold for $8 for a tiny blue bottle in gas stations in the USA blows my mind. Those becoming addicted must be spending hundreds of dollars a day. No doubt it’s the white strain as it’s sold as if it’s an energy shot. Either way, the best way to avoid the withdrawals and the side effects is to stay away altogether.

It should say a lot that I’m on a heroin substitute in order to recover from Kratom.

The Denial is Strong with This One

So, I was warned about this by a very popular YouTuber who also shared his Kratom story here. So many people in denial. I go to share part 2 to the one and only nice person I’ve found on Reddit (is it all like that) and I see this:

Oh my.

I am a big Pharma bot on an agenda to take down Kratom because it is helping so many people. I also don’t know the difference between dependence and addiction. Ok then.

Good luck Redditors.