Please note, the author of this article wishes to remain anonymous, for now. The reason will become very clear in the article. However, if you need help or would like to connect positively please get in touch with us and we’ll put you in touch with the author. The best way to do this is to subscribe and comment on an article and we’ll reach out. We can’t leave our email as the amount of spam we receive is insane! You can also find us on TikTok and Instagram.
SundayWoman Storytime – A new series exploring real life situations and circumstances, true crime, comedy, parenting, social media and more.
I Used to Think All Addicts Were Scum
My story starts many years ago and spans to the present day. Please settle down and read, hopefully without judgement, as I share how Kratom ruined my life. It still continues to ruin it today.
Today I know that I have ADHD (diagnosed), Cyclothymia, PTSD (a story for another day) and many other mental health issues that people like to mimic as they seem to be trending right now. Living with them daily, is not easy. Especially when growing up in a household with two alcoholic parents and a big brother who despises you just for existing but I’m not making excuses. This could happen to anyone. I loved my parents, I loved most of my childhood, I went to private school, I got a great education and a wonderful, successful career followed, despite the convoluted path.
The Start of My Addiction to Opiates Was Innocent
Then, in my early 20’s I lost my father, my best friend, my safety net, my rock. Immediately I started suffering from migraines. My mum, worried the usual GP’s were missing something serious, as they had with my dad, sent me to a private doctor. He prescribed codeine, specifically Tylex, 4 times a day and diazepam, 3 times a day. I took the diazepam once, fell asleep at my desk and didn’t take it again. The codeine gave me energy, focus, social skills, pain relief. My miracle cure. During this time I’d also met my daughter’s father, someone I won’t give page space to, but someone who preferred me on the meds rather than off them.
I became dependent, then addicted, especially when I moved on to dihydrocodeine. Without worrying about the affects of the paracetamol I swallowed these like Nerds. I’d experimented with many drugs in my teens, LSD, weed, Ecstasy, and stopped fine when needed. This would not be any different, it wasn’t until I finally divorced my husband that I decided enough was enough. I went cold turkey. It was hard. The constant cravings, the sleepless nights, with two children under 5, on my own; yet it passed. As long as I went to the gym every day, I could handle the extra anxiety, the cravings, the restless legs. I was young.
I Stayed Clean for Years Until…
I stayed clean for many years until I met my second husband (I’m not blaming him it’s just a coincidence). We’d known each other for years and so our relationship moved quickly. Living together within a couple of months, married within 6. Trying for a baby within 12. When I finally fell pregnant I was over the moon, I’d always wanted 4 children. We were well on the way. My career was just taking off but my husband didn’t have a clear idea of what he wanted to do, despite being gifted in many areas. It made sense that he’d become the househusband.
Relax a little longerWe'd love your views on these
During the pregnancy I developed SPD and intense sickness. So much so that I lost 3 stone throughout the 9 months. The SPD had me bedridden and the doctors prescribed me tramadol and codeine on a rotation basis. I didn’t take more than prescribed and had it under control. I was told if I was to get pregnant again I’d need a wheelchair. My, then, husband kindly had a vasectomy to save me from anymore pain.
The Perfect Excuse to Pop Pain Pills
Yet the pain didn’t stop after birth, the SPD went away but I soon found out I had endometriosis, fibroids and two wombs. It was a miracle I’d ever conceived at all. I stayed within limits while breastfeeding but when my cyclothymia raised its ugly head while my husband was at his father’s deathbed I was prescribed sertraline. During a hospital stay where I hemmoraged every nurse urged me to stop breastfeeding so I could take the medication I needed. I fought hard for a month then relented after I lost 3 days following a nervous breakdown.
Looking back, I was exhausted. My husband, understandably, had been away for weeks. I’d been working full-time without childcare for three children, one of which was a newborn. The landlord was threatening to evict us, due to the lack of income in my last weeks of pregnancy and I was selling our furniture on eBay. Strangers turning up all the time. Yet hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I was devastated when I stopped breastfeeding but I was told that my husband could now help with the night feeds, the day feeds, I could stabilise. It didn’t feel right but I did it, took the meds, entered a plateau, and poured myself into my work.
Winning on the Outside
I was winning awards, travelling places, receiving great feedback and making enough money to move us to a small holding in the SouthWest. Every time I’d get a twinge of pain I’d pop a pill, the cycle continued until I was taking 20 plus dihydrocodeine every day. I did try to wean off. My doctors didn’t really believe I was addicted, despite my protests. More than one told me to, “just stop.” Years later I found being part of the EU meant I could order them online, so I did, a lot, and I don’t know how much money I spent over that period but it was at least five figures.
A Traitor in the Midst
My husband, worried for my health, went behind my back and told every online pharmacy that I had a serious opiate addiction and he would report them if they prescribed anymore. Suddenly I was blacklisted. I hated him for that at the time and left a few months later. It wasn’t the only reason, my addiction had contributed to us drifting apart, the trust was gone on both sides but I’m not here to go over all of that. The split turned out to be the best thing for the both of us.
I joined NA groups, anything I could find, made friends with people who were in the same situation. Told them I had a limited supply and then I was going cold turkey. One lady told me about a specialist treatment in Africa, Nigeria. I didn’t like the sound of that. Then she said, “I’m going to send you something that will help with withdrawals. Just take a few teaspoons in water, mix it really well and down it. It tastes awful but your withdrawals will be gone. It’s all natural.”
I couldn’t wait for the post to arrive, I’d taken my last pill 48 hours ago, I was desperate.
Enter – The Wonder Drug
It came, this medium sized bag of powder. I took the tiniest amount, mixed it with water and nothing. So I took some more. Ten minutes later I’m digging up an old hydrangea in the garden, I felt normal. Normal for me was being on a high amount of opiates, this was good. All natural too. No withdrawal, just stop when I’m ready and by then, all the codeine will be out of my system and my body won’t need to withdraw. It was a win win.
Until it wasn’t. I soon ran out. I went to my friend, asked for more. She said she couldn’t get hold of any but had access to morphine if I wanted to buy it. I did. I was starting to feel withdrawal. I told myself I’d not been taking it long enough for the opiates to leave my system. Then I did what I do best. I researched. The plant as well as stockists. Finding many people who claimed it had saved them from serious addiction I went on the hunt for kratom in the UK. Kratom anywhere, as long as they shipped to the UK and I found a Facebook group that claims it sells speciality tea. I was in. I’d found my dealer, I had a constant supply, for the most part.
The All Natural Answer to Everything
This was natural after all, just like coffee, same plant species, how can it be bad? Everyone was saying it wasn’t addictive, no one talked of withdrawals, in fact users felt superior that they’d stumbled on this before anyone else. They compared strains of white, red and green like they’d compare vintage bottles of wine or Earl Grey to Darjeeling. It couldn’t be bad, could it? It was worse than my worst nightmare, a lot worse and I’ll tell you why…
To be continued this week, please subscribe for part 2 or come back in a few days where we’ll share the rest of the story. You do not want to miss it. Despite this being set in the UK it also includes an informed chat about this:
