Not everyone who gives birth is capable of lovingly parenting and nurturing their child or children. There may be several reasons for this and whilst we might understand why they do what they do the harm as a result of such a deficit, should not be underestimated.
Psychotherapist and Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin comments: “If you recognise your own experience in these words, please seek support and care for yourself. You will find suggestions below for ending the cycle”.
A narcissistic mother is likely to demonstrate:
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A lack of empathy, when you are ill, hurting or upset. You may have been told you are attention seeking, exaggerating, or faking (all of which is projection). A narcissistic mother will not validate you. There may be odd crumbs of care, but this is likely to leave you confused. That said, if you are ill and she gets attention she may resort to exaggerating your condition or debilitation in order that she continues to receive it. Your illness, pain and suffering will pale into insignificance when compared with that of your narcissistic mother; her miscarriages so much more brutal than yours, her menopause so much more debilitating than yours; your divorce is probably not surprising given that you are such a mess, according to her; your sexual assault is ignored (You think you are the only one?). Do not expect her to care for you, approve of your choices, or support you when you need it most.
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Superficial charm and either over praise or false modesty in public. In private you are likely to feel anxious and eager to please to avoid rageful outbursts or expressions of deep disappointment. Almost everything will be fabricated one way or another. She lies about who she is and mostly about everything.
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Pathological control of every aspect of your life – food, clothes, friends, subject choices, career – pretty much everything. A narcissistic mother has an abundance of power, and she wields it with entitlement and absolute authority.
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Victimhood, a role she will play with utter conviction and plausibility. In her grandiose, fantasy world she is an unwilling victim. She will find it impossible to take responsibility for her choices and behaviour. It will never be her fault and she finds “sorry”, unless it is used manipulatively, galling to say.
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Projection of her own insecurities onto you. You may not have won all the school prizes, danced well enough, be slim, pretty, and tall enough and she will let you know, directly, that this is a source of great distress to her. There may be much focus on your appearance, and this is neglect on an epic scale.
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Self-obsession. This is the narcissistic mother’s resting state. She will make everything about her, your career, wedding, sexuality, heartbreak, children, wins, losses, joy, and pain. All roads lead back to her. Wherever you are going on holiday, she has been or knows someone who has been there. Your choice of décor? Not what I could bear to live with. Baby names? Not what I would choose. Additionally, she may be overly concerned about her appearance spending time and money on restrictive food plans, exercise, cosmetic procedures, and beauty treatments. She may also like to photograph herself and keenly use social media. She will hate that you are younger than her and you represent a younger version of herself (remember – in her mind you are an extension of her). The one thing she cannot insult away, insult into submission, contort into a false reality – is time. It stands alone. You will always, always be younger than her. And for that, you are likely to pay.
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Emotional manipulation which is likely to be a regular occurrence. You may be guilt tripped (It will be unbearable if you don’t come for my birthday); shamed (No wonder they left you); expected to take responsibility for her choices (I gave up my career for you); bribed (Why won’t you come for the holidays after all I spent on your present?); and gaslit (I was a good mother to you and now you want me in a care home).
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Verbal and physical aggression which will be used as weapons to control and mould you. If your own mother is screaming insults and belittling you, it is likely that you grow up feeling unloved, unworthy, and unsafe.
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An inconsistent parenting style that will leave you insecurely attached and confused about what a loving relationship feels like. This trauma bonding may spill over into your choice of partner and can be very damaging overall.
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Enmeshment and oversharing which results in a child being “parentified.” A daughter may have been expected to take on responsibilities’ way beyond her emotional and physical capacity. Examples may include sole responsibility for a newborn and ensuring her siblings have a hot meal even when she has studies or commitments of her own. Mother will feel entitled to use her for these purposes and there is no room for discussion.
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Triangulation involving sibling{s) or the other parent. This is when a narcissistic parent shares something and asks you not to tell anyone including your other parent and siblings. It’s to be “our little secret.” What really sickens me about this tactic is that the child – you – is being abused but experiences it as special treatment, (trauma) bonding and intimacy. What adds to the confusion is that you may feel something is “off” or wrong but because it is your mother you override your instincts or sense of self because “mother knows best.” It is not easy to accept the idea of an unloving mother. This is coercive control, neglect, abuse, and emotional incest. And your discomfort at “betraying” the version your mother has of herself may take priority over your need to look after yourself.
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Pathological envy which will be palpable and manifest in constant criticism, flirting with your partners, minimizing your achievements, and belittling your attributes. She will feel at liberty to crush you as a mother. Unlike her, you will get little or nothing right and she will be the best grandmother of all time. Really, she will. Many narcissistic mothers are completely different with their grandchildren. These new little people offer her a fresh start and replenish supply, and she will work hard at keeping up her image. You may feel irrelevant or invisible. As in romantic relationships there is a discard phase. For a narcissistic mother, this is her discard. You have provided her with another chance to be adored and loved. Job done. She may very well be highly accomplished in her own right, and she wants you to shine – but never brighter than her. Her pride in you is rooted in making her appear like a good mother.
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An inability to protect you and keep you safe. This is a frightening tactic in a narcissistic mother’s playbook. She will ignore your boundaries and may even sexualize you and introduce to concepts or people you feel uncomfortable around, for her own gratification. For example, encouraging you to wear clothes that do not cover your body as you wish, or she may buy you lingerie and make-up for someone older than you. There may be people (men?) – family members or friends – invited into your life, including online, without your permission. She may instruct you to play the part and smile.
“The greatest wound inflicted by a narcissistic mother is her complete lack of empathy.”
– Dr. Ramani Durvasula
Margaret reflects on the effects on a narcissist’s daughter which are likely to include numerous issues such as; low self-esteem and poor self-image, difficulty establishing boundaries in this and other relationships, higher tolerance for abuse and coercive treatment in relationships (in the workplace and social groups), emotional dysregulation and impulse control, people-pleasing tendencies and codependency, anxiety, depression, eating disorders and addiction, seeking approval and unconditional love from the mother, narcissistic traits and personality disorders, a result of gaslighting she may not be able to validate her own feelings and experiences, fear of abandonment and second guessing or questioning one’s own judgement and perfectionism, intrusive and negative thinking and highly self-critical.
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Minimize or limit contact. This may be challenging due to the mother’s controlling tendencies and potential for inducing guilt. You can do this, though.
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Work on your emotional regulation (individual or group therapy may help here). Learn how to express anger and to set boundaries in a safe and effective way. You were not able to safely do so in the relationship with your mother.
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Be fearless in recognising your own narcissistic traits and parenting (Do you struggle with anxiety and a compulsive need to control?). That can start right now.
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Recognise your inherent value. You have always had it. It is unnecessary to seek validation from your mother, she is unable to acknowledge any worth other than her own in you. Understanding your self-worth and advocating for yourself is crucial and can help prevent negative emotions such as illness, resentment, and depression.
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You are not obliged to be forgiving but should you choose to be, avoid making excuses for her unacceptable behaviour and always call her out. It is unnecessary to respond with the same level of unpleasantness. Instead, firmly address the behaviour by saying, “I will leave if you continue to speak to me in this manner,” and continue to establish and maintain clear boundaries for the sake of your well-being. You have the right to make this decision. Refuse to be manipulated by displays of emotional distress or anger.
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Please remember that you are not an extension of your mother, she does not own you. Nor are you responsible for her. Women are often socialized to be lifelong caretakers and whilst love and care for your own family is appropriate the drain of a narcissistic mother may leave you ill. Narcissistic mothers can equally manipulate and harm their sons, albeit in different ways.
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Take control of who and how you want to be. Generational trauma is a thing. Please understand that it can end now – with you.
