There have been a lot of celebrity divorces in the news lately, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, Guy Ritchie and Madonna, each article has been bombarded with comments where judgemental divorcees share how they get on with their ex’s for the sake of the kids.
These parents mean well but they all assume one thing, they assume every relationship is the same, and that every relationship is safe and I’m sick of it.
They verbally abuse those who won’t get on with their ex’s for the sake of the kids while putting themselves on some high and mighty pedestal as they look down their noses at the seemingly immature, emotional, lower beings that are, in their eyes, the worst kind of parent. In their lovely protected lives, where the only heartbreak has been betrayal, an affair, or a lover that just wasn’t there, they see absolutely no reason why anyone would hurt a child by taking the father out of their lives and out of the picture.
Wrap Yourself in That Judgemental Blanket if You Want To
I’m here to tell you why, not once, but twice, I cut the father out of my children’s lives and I haven’t regretted it since. Call me a whore, look down your nose and wrap yourself up in that judgemental blanket as you’re about to feel a whole lot better about your own parenting. Which, let’s face it, is the reason us women are our own worst enemy!
I became pregnant with my son at the age of 20. Within a few months my boyfriend had all but disappeared and had made it quite clear he was struggling with the thought of responsibility. I let him off the hook. I told him I’d bring up our son alone and he could live the child free life of the lead guitarist of a band he was used to.
I also told him that if he changed his mind, he would have to fight me in court, as I’d want to make sure he had the passion and drive to care about being a dad. He never did. He never once got in contact until, 6 years ago my husband adopted my son and we needed his permission. He said yes in a heartbeat and refused any offer of finally meeting his boy. My son was devastated.
I Married a Sociopath and a Narcissist
Years later, I married a sociopath and an alcoholic, though I didn’t know this at the time. I’d just lost my dad and needed a male figure in my life. I don’t regret a thing as we had a beautiful daughter together, but after 3 years of a toxic, abusive marriage I had to accept that a family with just one parent would be much healthier for the kids than one with two where there was abuse present, violence, alcoholism, narcissi and compulsive lying.
Without too much detail, the divorce was difficult; he refused to leave despite having another family he’d made while being married to me waiting for him. His abuse reached new levels and we had to disappear just to feel safe and this is when I decided that he would NEVER have any contact with the kids and I’ve kept my word.
Before that fateful day, that decision that I’ll be judged for, I tried. I listened to all the advice and thought I was being unreasonable so I put emotion aside and worked hard to build something where he could be a dad.
This is what happened.
- He refused to visit the children (social services decided it should be supervised) if it meant I would not be present.
- He refused to visit the children if it meant I would be free to enjoy myself
- He failed to turn up for many supervised visits but would turn up at our home, being threatening, leading to me calling the police
- He drove the car with the children in it while being TEN times over the limit
- He gave my child ex lax when they asked for sweets to teach them a lesson about nagging
- He was charged with raping an underage girl, which he blamed on me, his ex wife, as I wasn’t there to see to his needs
- He broke his new girlfriends limbs and was remanded in custody for a very long time
- He threatened to hurt the kids if I didn’t give him what he wanted
- He turned up at hospital when I was having an operation and proceeded to harass me
- He broke into our house through my son’s bedroom window and proceeded to attack me, my son still feels guilty to this day
I cut him from our lives and never looked back and when my husband adopted both my children, we didn’t even need his permission. The day the adoption went through, he failed to turn up, (as he had with every other court appearance), and the social services told us, it was a highlight of their year, seeing us rid that scum from our children’s lives for good.
I’ve been married 7 years now to my best friend who I’ve known since I was 13. We have three children in all and we’ve been completely honest. I’ve hidden the worst and been sure not to feed them poison, despite the temptation, and I’ve answered every single question, while facing their wrath when other judgementals say they should really have a relationship with their biological dad.
It would have been great, being a single parent twice, for a total of 10 years, to have someone to babysit every second weekend. Another to share the school pick ups, the highs and lows, the responsibility, without the ties of emotion, just successful co parenting. It would have been fantastic but it wasn’t meant to be, so next time you judge another for failing to have a good relationship with their ex (for the sake of the kids) just look a bit deeper and realise there are some things that really are none of your business.
